Compare the house. I hit times so

Compare and Contrast

12/12/20

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It’s
been a long time since I’ve written anything down in this journal. When I mean
a long time, I mean 9 months. I guess I couldn’t grow out my procrastination
like I would’ve wanted to. As I opened this relic from the past, I couldn’t
help but read my old entries. I can’t believe the things I used to say to
myself back then like “I’ll one of the most successful youtubers out there!” or
“I swear to God I’ll get back at my class bully,” and even the most random
thoughts out there like “OMG, I can’t believe that, even though we’ve been
thought how to write the same letters and words, we have different styles of
handwriting!” I can’t believe it’s been nine years since writing my first entry
in here! This is literally half of my life’s experiences in pages.

Looking
back I wish I could’ve tell myself a lot of things. I wish I could go back to
my lunch box days and tell myself things I’ve garnered from being alive for 18
years. I falling for society was like falling from grace and I had to learn
that the hard way. I thought at one point that all I needed was to stop eating
until I could just disappear and feel okay. Back then, I could’ve sworn I was
the number one customer in like five restaurants, but now I can’t even look at
single installment wince at the thought of food. Back then, I loved looking in
the mirror. I mean I still do until this day, but I do it in silent and never
in public view and whenever I can catch a glimpse of my reflection I instantly
dart away, or, stare straight ahead into the ugly. I look in the mirror for
approval. It would be nice enough to look at a mirror one day and be
comfortable enough to leave the house.

I
hit times so low that I couldn’t cry so instead I would stare out blankly in
the distance and feel my heart breaking into pieces. Back then I was one of the
happiest child to ever grace the surface of Lucena City, but now I can’t even
admit that I’m falling apart. In a few months I’m about to move into college
and reviewing for exams are really taking a toll on me physically and
emotionally. Like, I don’t know how people survive this! I have had 3
all-nighters in arrow ad I feel like I’m going to collapse any minute now. In a
few months I’m going to start putting 6 years of my life’s worth into a box
labeled memories, In a few months I’m going to walk up a stage, shake a couple
of hands, and come back down with a diploma, and In a few months I’m going to
say goodbye to the most awesome nerds that have shared the same 6 years with me
in the four corners of what we once called a classroom. Time sure flies doesn’t
it?

            Since I’m a nerd, let me explain this phrase. As you get
older your age adds up a year (naturally) so you get older. Now a year is just
a portion of your life so far. With this logic, we derive it into an equation, being
,
whereas 1 represents a year, and N is
your current age. If you were, let’s say 2 then we would get  which is 50% of your life. And let’s you’re
18, then we would get  which is 5.56% of your life! So, in a
mathematical sense, time does fly!

            Looking back, I wish I could’ve done more things I
promised myself growing up. So, no, I didn’t become a ballerina my nine year
old self. No I didn’t become a ninja, No I didn’t become what innocence wanted
me be. I became what society told me to be. And growing up in a society where
you never feel beautiful is hard. I miss being innocent. I miss being me. Oh
how I wished people weren’t so mean to each other. Oh how I wished I could
forget the day people called me things.

Fat.

Ugly,

Gay.

Weak.

Oh
how I wish I could feel okay for a day. Just for once in a while, smile. Let a
sigh of relief wash over me. Because in the end all I want is happiness. I want
to feel what happy was like before all this happened. And now I might just be
closer than ever before. Right now, I’m about to make the biggest decision of
my life.

I
want to be happy. And happiness, I shall have. Recovery is a challenge, but
it’s not as difficult as living with an eating disorder. This time, I want to
live a life free from expectations. Because honestly, I nearly died for the
things I thought that were going to make me happy. I’ve come a long, long way
and I’m not sure I can make it much farther. All I know is there are things I
can’t control. And now I’m proud to say that I have stopped seeking revenge on
this body of mine. This is part where I’m finally going to be happy. Eight
years have passed since then and this is where I’m going to close the chapter
for the better. This is where my story ends and begins.

This
is the story of my youth.